Early this morning I awoke to find an ache in my stomach. I could tell immediately, without any conscious effort at all, that this ache was the ache of hunger. My body, being so reliant on food for energy, has coerced my mental faculties into understanding the ache in my stomach as hunger. However, as it is the way with words, upon thinking of hunger my brain must, in the very moment of thought, understand and explain hunger to myself, thusly hunger becomes a fully realized desire within the realms of my ego. The urge, once brought about by my physical being independent of my soul, has been, in the very instant of the urge itself, ferociously reinforced by my conscious and deliberate being, rationalizing the desperate longing as purposeful reality, creating the illusion of self-directedness and power over myself. Now when I go to get food, it is not seen by myself as a force alienated and controlling of myself mediated by my environment without my consent, as it really is, but instead the real intelligent desires and needs of an intelligent observer mediating and controlling its body. Thusly my innate slavery is seen as free will, but let us observe what were happen if it were indeed freewill guiding myself, and not a determined reality.
Once in kitchen I observe the various options of food to eat. The hunger is an immediate feeling and while browsing through the various substances presented to me to negate this hunger, my brain is presently overwhelmed with an intense flurry of emotions and conflicting thought patterns, different subjective forces acting simultaneously and independent of eachother, always lobbying for it’s own end to be the true real march of history. Looking at the bread floods me with feelings of nostalgia for peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches, a treat that has been engraved into my psyche as permanent trope of my childhood, while staring at the various cereals inspires me with the sense of motivation and timelessness produced by breakfest. The various meat substances in my freezer tempt me with the seducing effect of quick and easy microwaving followed by instant satisfaction. Endless box’s of corndogs, hot pockets, bacon, and various other meats line the insides of my freezer. I look deeply into the abyss that is my meat storage and fawn over the infinite consumptive possibilities.
I take a several deep breaths and reorient my standings as not to lose balance in this mental hurricane. I feel the urge deep in my bones, my brain takes these signals and further misrepresents them as my wants, even if the truth was revealed to me by a divine being appearing before my eyes, I would not accept it for the urge has become too great and far too tempting to resist. I fill a paper plate full of tater tots and corndogs and heat them in the microwave. I remove the plate and gorge upon my beauties. Physically my body receives the energy and necessary nutrition to maintain homeostasis and begins to send signals to my brain to let me know that I am full, that more food is not needed in the moment for the body to continue to reproduce it’s existence. In a normal understanding of myself, I would begin to not want to eat the food, and rationalize said want through a distinct change in the very flavor of food and my urge to eat, allowing myself stop eating. However, the reason I ate in the first place was because of the thought that my hunger was an intentional and deliberate force acted out by myself, an expression of free-will, and not an alien and fearful force controlling me, so when my body sends signals from my stomach to brain to tell me to stop eating, a very real and immediate confusion is had. The brain, continually receiving chemical satisfaction from the food, acting on the axiom that it is in charge, represses the signals of the stomach, the very signals that made it eat in the first place, and acts purely out of hedonistic, existential, abstraction. I continue my feast, making more and more plates. Gradually my stomach becomes filled with cancerous meats and processed corn until the empty space is gone. The stomach begins to violently send signals to the brain to stop, attempting to interfere with the chemical responses received from eating. However, in all my delusions and misunderstandings, I reject these signals outright, confident that my mental duty to eat this food is real and existent beyond my physical being.
I continue to eat and my stomach can no longer carry the weight of my sins. Battle-scarred and beaten the stomach realizes it’s immediate end and begins to tear, bloody holes in the organ tissue form and the food leaks into the rest of my insides. The pain is immense and powerful, however I am too far deep now, I tell myself the pain is not real for the only thing that is real is my purposeful action and conscious decision, and in the moment I am fully motivated by my earlier decision to eat, so I will continue to eat. My insides fill with blood and chewed food, the ramifications of this on my health are immediate, internal bleeding is lethal. Gradually my insides deteriorate and my physical being withers into a frail and distraught abomination of god. In my last moments I consume an entire german sausage, this german sausage will be the last thing I know, it is quite satisfying and I am very pleased with my choice in sausage. “Thank god I worked so hard to make all that money to buy this food! I would never of imagined having a feast like this!”. These are my last words as my existence slowly disintegrates completely.
released November 24, 2015